Shame is the fear that I am not enough…..not good enough, smart enough, rich enough, thin enough…..rooted in our fear of disconnection. Fear that we don’t deserve love and belonging. Feeling like a “Fraud” or an “Imposter”. Shame hi-jacks our limbic system and causes our pre frontal cortex to go “off line”. We can go into a fight-flight-freeze-fawn response as a result.
Signs that we are dealing with Shame in any given situation:
- We blame or judge others
- We rationalize our behavior
- We try to “fit in”, be what we believe others want/need us to be instead of our authentic selves
- We hide our “true” selves, keep secrets, stay silent
- We “Hustle for Worthiness” – “I’ll be good enough when….”
- We strive for Perfection
Ways we disconnect when we are in Shame:
- Move away – withdraw
- Move towards – people pleasing behaviors
- Move Against – shame, blame or judge others
Shame leads to:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Relationship issues
- Exhaustion
Ways to Heal Shame and Create Shame Resilience:
- Speak your shame with a trusted Therapist
- Allow vulnerability
- Practice Self Compassion
- Energy follows thought – examine your thoughts and reframe the unhealthy ones
- Understand the link between Trauma and Shame
- Recognize when we are in “shame” and learn what triggers our “shame”
- Reality check our expectations
- Connect with others, show our authentic selves – resist withdrawing
